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Bad Timing

from Rhapsody & Filigree by Brian Woodbury

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about

written by Brian Woodbury & Joe Moe; arranging & production by Sam Woodbury; co-arranging by Brian Woodbury

lyrics

Always late. Why? Stupid! No matter how early I leave, it’s never enough.

Raskin says I have a “Bastard’s degree in Dilly-Dalliance.”

Huh! But look who’s got a PhD in Kissing Ass.

What is time? I shouldn’t be asking. I should be answering. It’s my job...

Or it will be. Once we get the chronometrics experiment approved by the LHC! Working with the Large Hadron Collider. That is big time.

Fuck! We gotta get this proposal in.

Speaking of which, where is Raskin? Another Dinner with the Dean today?

Did he finish his partial regression analysis, or do I have to?
He cuts out early, I show up late. Stupid! Why would Dr. Kim say we're the same person? Just ’cause he’s never seen the two of us together? Hah! Not even close! We’re more like matter and anti-matter. Show up at the same time, we prob’ly would annihilate each other.

Matter. What does it matter? It matters a whole fucking lot. To me, maybe not to you, Raskin!

Shit! I’ve seethed away another minute I’ll never get back…Bye, lost minute.

And now ten more seconds. They add up! Shut up!

Enough self-incrimination – recrimination! Duh! Whatever!

Oh, my god! Look at this mess. Who was the last one here? Raskin, you pig! Throw your lunch away, don’t leave it on my desk!

Oh, shit, it was me. That’s right! Raskin had the afternoon off today.

Mea culpa. That means “sorry,” Raskin! It’s Latin. You wouldn’t understand. But then you’d never apologize, would you?

Latin, why didn't I take Latin? But I still wouldn't get invited to Dinners with the Dean.

For all I know, it’s “meus culpus,” in the vocative mood. Did I just say, “the vocative mood?” Shut up!

You’re the one who usually leaves the mess. I have the right to do it once. Plus I was running late.

Shut up!

Why did Dr. Kim even put you on this proposal, Raskin? You wouldn’t know a zeptosecond from a yoctosecond. Your only interest in Planck time is to detect a quantum anomaly, for your ludicrous simulation hypothesis. Your “glitch in the matrix.” I know, "Don’t call it matrix.” But you treat our proposal like some glorified thought experiment.

Ugh! Enough about Raskin. Focus. I guess that he’s good at the stuff that he does - being center of attention, going to conferences, getting published! Forget about him! I’m sparter, I mean, smarter. I know what I mean. Stupid! Why am I telling me?

People who talk to themselves are geniuses, you know? Narration is something the brain does to make the “illusion” of control. “Illusion”! “Procidat deceptionem!” No, not Harry Potter. It’s Latin again! I don’t speak Latin, but I can say “illusion” in many languages. “Khuurmag baidal!” Mongolian! Genius! (Well, Google translate!)

Of course, it is an illusion, Raskin. The asymmetry of time is an observational artifact of the illusion of consciousness.

If you ever paid attention to what I’m trying to do here.

Instead of hobnobbing with celebrity physicists.

Time is an emergent manifestation of quantum entanglement.

Objectively, there is no time.

And there’s no time to be going on and on about this. Shut up!

Blah, blah, blah. Least I didn’t have to sit through a Dinner with the Dean, with you hyping your simulation theory. What a waste of time. Fun for you, I guess.

Guess? The point is not to guess, but have a high statistical probability. Confidence interval going out to 6 sigma? ’S not an illusion.

I wish. I wish all the time. Listen to me! Guessing and wishing. Next I’ll be sending thoughts and prayers! I’m cringing! No wonder I’m not Dr. Kim’s favorite anymore. No. Wonder.

That’s what I want! NO WONDER. The absence of uncertainty… about uncertainty.

Of course, the whole point is to wonder! That’s why we got into this, isn’t it, Raskin? How so fuckin' lit this experiment’s gonna be.

Two occurrences separated by a singularity, approaching simultaneity - the arrow of time breaks down! The informational temporal manifold of the universe is reduced to nothing. What’s the secret of the multiverse? Say it with me:

Timing timing timing. Location location location. Now, ain’t that a little more wondrous than “It’s all just a video game”?

Wondrous.

Honestly, it all comes down to I like my illusion better than yours. But aren’t you supposed to be the wonderkind who can get our proposal approved, for the Large Hadron Collider?

What’s your secret, Raskin? Right place, right time?

Hey! Is somebody here? Shut up, for fuck’s sake! No, you shut up!

Oh, hey, Raskin! It’s about time.

credits

from Rhapsody & Filigree, released July 25, 2022
vocals Brian Woodbury; guitars, bass, keys, programming, samples & production Sam Woodbury

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about

Brian Woodbury Los Angeles, California

Brian Woodbury is a Los Angeles composer, lyricist and bandleader who writes musicals, post-modern jazz compositions, quirky pop, country songs and music for children's TV.

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